Day 156 of IB:
I’m just very frustrated right now. All because of Maths and my dad. I just…I just cannot deal with this right now.
I understand why my dad pushes my so hard in Maths, why he wants me to do good and Maths and I do appreciate it very much. I get his reasons and motives - I should try to reach my limit before giving up. But the thing is, he just makes me feel so bad most of the time. I get it, he wants me to get an A, and he thinks I am capable of getting As, but it is still a B! It is not like I flunked the fucking exam or something. Yet, he makes me feel like I just got an F and committed a bloody murder or some shits like that. While I know that I could get an A, but I was careless and freaked out so badly that I ended up with a B, but I’m okay with that, because it was my fault, and I deserved that. I just have to try harder next time. But why can’t he tell me that? Why can’t he just tell me to fix it and try better next time instead of making me feel like the worst scum on Earth for getting a bloody B for Maths? Yes, I did not live up to his expectations, and perhaps mine as well, but is it a crime for being average in Maths? Maths, Maths, Maths - it is always Maths. “It is the most important subject” he always says. Not to me. Everything is equally important, and sorry, but I’m going for Journalism and Communications. To me, English, History, French, and ITGS are more important and more relevant than Maths. I get it that I still have to suck it up and do Maths and it really does help with the thinking process but dad, I will never be brilliant at Maths! The best thing I could managed is to be slightly above average. I am not you. Yes, I do love Maths to an extent and I try my best to study it but I will never be like you. The pressure is just suffocating me.
Maths is not the only subject I have to study.
He does not care whether I have improved in History and ITGS. He does not care whether I am doing my best in other subjects. It is always Maths this and Maths that. Nothing is good enough. Sometimes I just wanted to scream, to escape from his shadow and from Maths. To escape from the constant pressure to get good grade in Maths. I am not failing! It may not be what you want, but I am content with it. Sure, I should get better grade in Maths, it would help with my IB grade latter but let me move at my own pace! Don’t make me into you, because it won’t work.
Moving from that heavy subject, Valentine next week. Urgh. There might be big protests or something in Bahrain again. I just really don’t get people now. They have moved pass the “peaceful” phase and now just being downright violence and destructive. If our school closed again, damn. Last year was bad enough - missing school and stuffs. Not this year too.
I still cannot believe I’ve got a 91 in History. I was speechless. I thought I would get like a B or something. Phew. And surprised surprised, my question 4 received a full mark! Missed one point in question two and two points in question three. I was so happy when I saw it - an A! To say I was happy is an understatement - I was ecstatic.
Sports day tomorrow. I am not coming; works to do. None of the IB kids are coming really - all opted to stay at home, either to sleep, or to work.
An idiot who takes IB